Anyone whos been on their fair share of dates will know the feeling: youre getting along really well, theyre making you laugh, you can see theyre attractive. On paper, this should be a perfect match but theres just something missing. Some people call it chemistry, others love at first sight; Carrie Bradshaw memorably termed it the zsa zsa zsu. Were all conditioned to believe in that indefinable spark, which can be the make-or-break element of a successful relationship. But how important is that initial pull of cant-resist-you attraction?
Specific chemicals in the brain, like dopamine and vasopressin, create lust and make us focus on that one person: they make us crave them, almost obsess about them, says relationship psychologist
Andie and Ben fall in love in How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days, despite Andie doing her best to achieve the opposite
But for those worried that a partnership might be dead in the water if those first-date butterflies aren't there, theres good news: theres a big step between lust and love, and some of the most successful relationships do develop over time. The classic trope of friends to more-than-friends is more than just a storyline used in romantic comedies like When Harry Met Sally; in fact, friendship has been proven as one of the best foundations on which to build a relationship, and more than two-thirds of British couples start out as friends first. In these cases, attraction develops from forming an emotional bond first, says Gottlieb. This is crucial for relationship longevity.
Initial attraction is intoxicating, as well socially highly valued in a society that still promotes romantic ideals such as The One. However, real relationships are much more about communication and commitment than they are fireworks in the early days, says Gottlieb. Attraction is built from compatibility, and compatibility can be created, she explains. For example, even if partners dont have the same hobbies or interests, they can still bond over different interests by allowing each other to talk about their passions and by asking questions. Films like How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days and the newly released Anyone But You, starring Sydney Sweeney, are testament to how spending quality time with someone can make attraction blossom out of less than nothing as the old adage goes, theres a thin line between love and hate.
This knowledge that good relationships dont always come naturally isnt just helpful for single people on the lookout for love. Its also very important for couples who lose their initial spark, says Gottlieb. Couples need to prioritise alone time and schedule date nights, like they did at the beginning. A lot of attraction in dating is the result of novelty, and merely being intimate with a new person. There are many opportunities to create novelty in a long-term relationship, like going to new places together, trying a different hobby, or being more romantic with each other.
So the next time youre tempted to call it quits after a few dates, or even end a longer relationship that seems to have lost its excitement, remember that much of romantic love is, well, romanticised. Attraction on its own cant guarantee long-term relationship success, warns Gottlieb, so dont overrate passion at the expense of reliability, stability and genuine affection. Its about committing to that person, prioritising the relationship, and a willingness to put in the continued effort. While theres nothing quite like that first dopamine hit, real love is about celebrating what comes next in all its forms.
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How important is relationship chemistry? | dating advice - Harper's Bazaar UK
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