But Imp instinctively knew that any trip he did here would go bad fast. Even the normally ebullient Game Boy was cowed by the possible consequences of what they were about to do. Imp, as ringleader, felt a sick sense of dread like an apprehension of gangrene in Toyland that he was at pains to conceal from his crew.
The New Management had reintroduced the Bloody Code (the old 18th-century penal system that prescribed the death penalty for pretty much everything above the level of a parking ticket) during the Queens Speech at the state opening of Parliament earlier this year. Sensible shoplifters were reconsidering their life choices. Not that shoplifting was ever a sensible career choice, but hanging was a brutally disproportionate response.
Imp, despite his other character flaws, didnt want to see any of his crew executed.
Are you feeling lucky? he repeated, backing it up with a gentle morale-boosting push.
Game Boys shoulders slumped.
Im a professional, Ive got a store card and I know how to work it, Imp reminded them.
DeeDee, are you ready to motivate?
Doc Depression could pass for a store detective himself, in his seedy Oxfam charity-case suit and skinny tie. If necessary.
Party costumes were on the third floor, and once they ran the gauntlet of pink tulle princess gowns and alfr warrior armor they came to an aisle of reasonably priced outfits for adult party hosts: clowns, mostly, but also pirates, princesses (subtype: grown-up), bank robbers (in questionable taste), escaped convicts (ditto), highwaymen (Imp wasnt going
anywhere near that gibbet, thank you very much), and, finally, transhumans.
Fictional cops like Judge Dredd and Judge Death (very edgy, very of the moment) vied with the Marvel and DC Comics franchises, then real-life capes like Officer Friendly, White Mask, and the other Home Office supes.
You are not putting me in a dress! Game Boy shrilled as Del menaced him with a frilly black and white maids uniform.
But you look better in a frock than I do... Del pitched her tone low, trying for sultry and missing by a mile.
F*** off! Game Boy recoiled as Del leaned over him, propping herself against a clothes rail.
Children! Imp stepped between them, a bundle of adult cape-and-mask outfits draped over his arm. Store detective, two oclock, closing. He tipped Doc a nod and wink. Showtime. To Del, he added, Stop triggering Game Boy.
Aw, youre no fun. Deliverator punched him lightly on the shoulder, then slid the maids uniform back on the rail, defusing Game Boys impending panic attack.
The store detective loomed over Imp like an overly polite brick wall.
Can I help you gentlemen and lady? he asked, clearly winding up to eject them from the store.
Yes, you absolutely can! Imp smiled and pushed. My sister just told me Im hosting a surprise birthday party for my nephew, the theme is Capes and Villains, were really short on time, and we all need grown-up costumes! Can you point me at the changing rooms?
He held up his zeroed-out John Lewis store card. Amex Black, he added, and pushed again.
A minute later they were inside the changing room area.
Here, try this one, Imp said, handing Game Boy an outfit: Robin, from Wes Cravens Arkham Asylum remake. Game Boys gasps were slowing, the nervous whoops coming under control.
Robins about your build, isnt he? You wont have to femme up.
Thanks. Game Boy swallowed and ducked into a cubicle, limp with gratitude.
Imp turned to Del. Just for that youre playing Princess Shuri. He shoved a bagged-up costume at her. Serves you right for gaslighting the boy: you can be the odd one out in this rodeo.
Im more than my skin color. She lowered her brows and glared. For a moment Imp thought she was going to punch him, but then the tension left her shoulders and she chuckled darkly. Id rather be Harley Quinn. I could hit people with a baseball bat.
Payback for GeeBee.
He turned to Doc. Youre the Bat.
Docs mouth turned down.
Gloomy and introspective, what kind of disguise do you call that? He blinked at Imp. Hey, who are you going to be?
Imp took a step back in the direction of his own changing room.
Im the Joker, of course! he declared, beaming at Doc. Ive got a scheme, a crazy scheme, to take over Gotham City! But to bankroll it weve got to start by robbing a strong room. Suit up, everyone, Showtime starts in five.
Tomorrow: Introducing Evelyn Starkey
Dead Lies Dreaming. by Charles Stross, is published by Orbit in Hardback, priced 18.99
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Dead Lies Dreaming, by Charles Stross, Part Two: The Heist Nears - Edinburgh News
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